First, I apologize I'm always posting these so late, but such is my life these days.
Interesting things that have happened to me? I arrived home today to a flyer of Jesus in my mailbox, who'd clearly had a glow up and was waving jazz hands at me. Gone were the scraggly, flowing long locks, and his beard was as neatly trimmed as a Hipster's. Much different than the pictures of him my Nonna used to give me and my brother.
Hmmmm, I said "things" like there might be more than one, but nothing else intriguing has happened other than Jesus in my mailbox, but I did finish the Hannibal series and I LOVED it so much. The end was perfect for the show and the writing is beautiful. That's all I'll say so I don't spoil, but if you watch it, hmu on IG. Would love to hear your thoughts.
But the real point of this blog tonight is to introduce you to Finn, or Finnegan Brighton. And if you keep reading there's an excerpt from the book.
Finn is our main character, the entire book is told from his point of view. I find it tough to show what mains look like because I always find it weird when the character stops to describe themselves even when I'm reading the works of others'. I need a reason, and so it happens in bits and pieces you have to put together, but included are two of the men who inspired him (and who I hope NEVER find this website, and if they do will be flattered and not want to hunt me down and dip me in a vat of hot oil).
I don't know the name of the one model, but the other is a Tick Tocker I follow. I love the interpretations of the amalgamations of theses photos the artists of this book created. These are the same photos I sent to both Nadia and Artsy Ape who drew them and really brought the essence of what was in my head to life, even with both interpretations wildly different.
Physical and Other Attributes:
The thing about Finn. He's a strong man, medium height and build, but so much smaller than Xavier (his love interest), by comparison. Finn's about Five feet nine inches and Xavier is a towering six feet five inches to give you an idea. Finn's got this mop of blonde hair on top that flops all over the place, with an undercut (as you can see portrayed in the art). He's got pretty green eyes.
Finn is the quintessential introvert, but he comes to love the comfort of his Found Family quickly. He doesn't know what he wants to be, or who he is, he experiences a lot of anxiety. But he's a typical hockey-loving Canadian and he comes to love chasing that feeling (the one a brat gets during the dance between brat and Top) more than anything else. He's always known he had this 'thing' inside of him for spanking.
This is a story about belonging (as I tend to write) and of self-doubt. These themes are central to everything in the book. Finn knows he hasn't fit into his life, but then he suddenly does and it transcends him. Of course, he's a brat though (even if he denies it at first) and brats ... well, we know how this goes.
He doesn't believe in himself; his lack of faith in himself is crushing at times.
His Evolution in My Brain:
Finn was supposed to be an off shoot of a story I wrote after an experience I had, but Finn didn't want to be an off shoot of that story, no, no, not at all. He took over from the first word I wrote, down to his name. He told me, "My name is Finn and this is my story." As usual, I just wanted to write a short, spanking story. Ha! That never happens. I don't know why I continue to try. Finn wasn't having any of it, he wanted to say a lot and so it would be. He evolved to have so much more depth than I had ever intended when I set out to write him.
From Chapter 2 Xavier's School of Discipline--Finn tells you about his relationship to spanking
I can’t believe I’m here, walking through the grand landscape of this campus. I pull in an awed breath and admire the trees, donning their fall reds, oranges and yellows. It’s just like the pamphlet I saw for this place. It was after one of my job losses. I was down and instead of the usual ‘hide in my room’ thing I do, I got out of the house.
Thinking about that, remembering it was a pamphlet I came across, rather than something I’d found on the internet seems outlandish—who uses pamphlets anymore?—but that’s what I was handed. A man in a school uniform like the one I’ll be wearing while I go here; navy blue shorts and blazer, with white button-up undershirt, complete with blue tie and white socks that hugged tightly to his calves.
He didn’t say a word, but something of his smile hinted to knowing, and like he knew I should be one of the people to receive a pamphlet. I’m not even the kind of guy who accepts pamphlets, but I did this one and I couldn’t let it go.
Xavier’s School of Discipline, it said on the front. Heat burned across my skin.
The word discipline conjured a whole host of scenes in my head, including, but not limited to times I was in trouble when I was a kid, any sort of discipline I’d seen in movies, TV shows and cartoons—from spanking to a kid being sent to his room. Even those times I played ‘house’ with my friends at ten, when our parents weren’t paying close enough attention to us and the things we’d do. I knew from a young age that any sort of anything to do with discipline makes me blush, but at the same time, I’m hopelessly fascinated.
That’s how it began for me, as a fascination I didn’t understand. As I got older, it was all fantasy, novels and poor-quality videos on the internet. The novels lacked for me in that most of them focused on the sexual kind of spanking and discipline, which, while I’m all for that kind of thing now and then, it’s not really what I’m after. It didn’t take me long to figure out that spanking is largely non-sexual for me. There’s still arousal, but its own kind. It’s similar to sexual arousal in some ways—the tingling in special places, the racing heart—but it also isn’t.
This makes it harder to find what I’m looking for in the world at large.
I received that pamphlet a lot of years ago; I read it so many times it was destroyed before I finally took the plunge to tell my brother what I wanted, which was a disciplinarian. It was humiliating to say. What kind of grown man wants another man to keep him accountable in such a personal way? I had visions of Sam telling me how stupid I was, but I should have known better. Sam was as supportive as he is about anything else. Maybe more than.
He wanted me to have what I felt I needed, even offered to help me look, because no way we could afford Xavier’s school back then. My search began online, joining sites made for this kind of thing, but unfortunately, these sites weren’t just for my specific brand of spankee, but for the other kinds of things like BDSM, a category spanking gets thrown into, because it’s used in those scenarios.
But spanking is a category all its own. A true blue spankee, and spanker, in my experience, seems to be born with this need and it’s very spanking specific, complete with particular things associated with spanking like; scolding and the embarrassment factor.
Through these websites, I met some good people, and I met some bad people, but none of them were right. I didn’t belong with any of them. This resulted in me giving up on the idea, and things got worse.
The anxiety I’d always experienced to some degree heightened, I barely left the house anymore, which meant I wasn’t finding a job anytime soon. Sam supported me, like a parent would have, because he is part parent to me, but I began to feel like a leech. Instead of the guilt of the situation inspiring me to find a job, I procrastinated, I’d do it tomorrow, or on Monday, or next week.
That wasn’t the only thing I would do later. Everything became later to the point Sam did everything, because he got fed up with piles of dishes and laundry. The more Sam did, the more guilt I felt, but did I do anything about it? No.
By the time I finally approached Sam with the old, tattered pamphlet I’d kept for years, Sam was quickly becoming a hot-shot lawyer. I said I’d be willing to use the money Dad left me, I’d been saving for something special, something big. It wasn’t enough, but it was a good chunk. “No,” Sam said. “I’ll find a way to pay for it. I want you to have this, you need this. But let’s check out all the schools like this one, just to make sure it’s the right one.”
After a lot of research, Sam agreed Xavier’s school was the best one, we proceeded finding a way to get the funds, get accepted, and now I’m here. Even though I know a great deal about what goes on here, I don’t know exactly what to expect and nervous excitement bubbles through me.
Welcome to the rest of your life, Finnegan.
When I get to the door, I almost knock, but it’s my house too, right? I take a breath and enter. Inside is absolute chaos. The music is loud, someone’s throwing a ball against a wall, there’s stuff everywhere—the fan above me spins with several items hanging, some occasionally flying off. Ugh. This is way too much for me. Even more reason to head straight to my room, if I knew where it was. I see stairs to my left and upstairs seems like a good guess.
I’m almost to the stairs, and home free when someone comes out the door from a room toward the back, a towel slung over his shoulder, his long dark hair flying everywhere. The ball being thrown at the wall, abruptly stops. “Grayson! Clean this up. Will is gonna kill you and I’ll let him.”
Someone pops up from the couch, a light brown head, buried in baggy clothes, wearing headphones. “Sorry Ani, can’t hear you,” he says, then resumes his position, molding into the pale green couch like he’s part of it and continues throwing his ball. There’s something to his voice, not quite an accent, but something posh in the way he uses words.
Only, both ‘Ani’ and I devise that Grayson actually can hear him, he’s just making a scene and unfortunately, I’m spotted. “Stop it with the ball, or I won’t wait for Will to deal with you. Oh, hello. You the new guy?” Ani says. His demeanor changes instantly from fond rage, to pure sunshine.
“Uh, yeah. Finn. I was just going to find my room.”
Grayson stops with the ball and pops up again, removing his headphones to sit around his neck this time. “Xavier said that’s my job. I’ll show you where you go.”
“And then straight back here, you’re cleaning this up, mister,” Ani says.
“Will needs to stop being a tyrannical ass. C’mon dude. I’ll show you,” Grayson says to me.
Interesting. He won’t leave the job he’s been given by Xavier, but he’s done this whole ‘fuck you’ to Will. What could that mean? With the way I know things work around here, it seems pretty fucking brazen. I watch, mesmerized, as he walks past me and up the stairs. “You come back down here too,” Ani says to me before I can escape.
The look I get has me sputtering. “I, uh. Yeah. Yes.” Eventually, I don’t say. I still have plans of sitting in my room a good long while before I ever come down here to ‘hang out’.
Hope you enjoyed that! I'm getting closer to a release date. I've currently got two dates in mind. I should know soon!